Adversity….

How do you handle adversity?

I used to get so torn up by people disliking me or being mean towards me until I realized that it didn’t even have anything to do with me.

I tell you, this was a beautiful, priceless revelation for me, because I knew who I was, okay maybe not really, but I had an idea of who I was and I was and still am a good person. This is a truth nobody can take from me, ever. I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt like I had to change and adjust myself in order to be liked and accepted until I learnt that, really it started with accepting myself first.

….and can I just tell you just how hard this has been for me, I mean at every turn I found fault after fault with myself yet I was expecting others to love me in return, and truly that wasn’t possible.

I appreciate learning the simple fact that it starts with me. I love the young lady I’ve become and am still becoming! She may have lost her way a few times along the way but I’m proud of her strength and her response to everything that’s been thrown at her time and time again.

How do I deal with adversity? I love….

Letting go…

I’ve realised I had a bad habit of holding on to things, emotions and people that didn’t serve a purpose in my life anymore. The thought of letting something or someone go made me feel guilty , almost like letting go made me a bad person.

But I’m grateful that I’m slowly understanding that it is important to let things go, it’s not my job to make someone who hurt me, or even if they didn’t hurt me, feel good or feel like someone cares. This notion doesn’t make me a bad person. I just understand now that I can’t move forward while carrying all this baggage, half of which isn’t even mine but I end up making someone’s load lighter while I’m being slowed down or pulled back by their load.

It feels good to be light, to have that spring in my step again, it’s almost like losing weight, I guess in a way it is losing weight, emotional weight.

It feels good to just let go!

Anybody out there?

At times I sit and wonder ” where did I go wrong? ” my life is so far from anything I’d hoped it even imagined. As I sit here today in plagued by feelings of hurt and almost anger, at myself, at the world, at my ex! I hate that I feel like I’m living a life that’s not my own, in my mind I am everything id ever hoped I’d be, I’m beautiful, ambitious, funny, loveable, I live in another country, belong to another family, everything is just different. But….in reality…. I feel stuck, don’t get me wrong I love my family but sometimes I feel like it holds me back, “how can I be 100% transparent when I come from a family, a society that frowns upon sharing your life with the world? ” ….and so I sit and think, and my thoughts can be dangerous sometimes.

Lord, give me the strength and the discernment to know what you want me to do, where you want me to go and the courage to take the steps to fulfill your Will!

I want to be somebody special…

It’s been a while now that I’ve wanted to be a blogger. An avid blogger at that, as in everyday I write something, but I’ve been plagued with the realisation that I really don’t have anything to write about on a daily basis. I’m just a 25year old girl who spends her day shutting everyone out. I’m constantly just indoors in the little “house ” I share with my husband and all I ever want to do, day in and day out is SLEEP!!!! I then sit and thinK “who cares about all of that? “ ….yet I still have a burning desire to become someone or something special. I want nothing more then to touch lives but I swear the way I’m so lazy I probably won’t ever get round to achieving anything. ….and trust me that is sad because I know I have SOOOO MUCH TO OFFER and yet I stand in my own way!

up in smoke

would you believe me if i said ive tried?….

trust me i have tried quitting but how hard have i tried? shouldnt i have already quit already? i dont understand why i cant stop because smoking has taken over my life, i dont even want to meet people outside of home because i wouldnt be able to smoke, i hate smoking in public. im always telling myself “why do it if youre embarrassed about it?” ¬†yet here i am still, going on my 11th year….how stupid can one be?

i stay away sometimes but than ask myself “for what?”….could i be sick? like mentally? oh i dont know …i dont even know if i want to quit anymore….

I cook

About two years ago I was watching a talk show, not sure which one, and they were cooking on the show and I remember thinking “I’d love to learn how to make such beautiful food”. I started noticing that whenever I was upset I found solace in either cleaning the kitchen or cooking up something simple but mouth watering and again I thought to myself “I would really love to learn how to cook”.

Two years later here I am, a trainee chef at a beautiful Inn ! Its truly incredible how we speak our lives into existence. I never thought I was serious. I just thought I’d get some recepes off the internet and master them at home:)

For the first time in my life though I can truly say that I am happy, absolutely happy with what I’m doing. The hours are insane, but after I’ve battled to get up at 4 in the morning after only sleeping for 3hours, I get excited to be in the kitchen. To hear onions sizzling in hot water or to smell muffins baking in the oven. These moments have become my life. I, the restless soul, have found my passion….have you?

fear

I’m one of those people that have so many ideas but can never even get started on one because I am just so scared of everything. I can’t even walk less then a kilometer to the shop without panicking about how many people are going to try and talk to me. I swear one day I’ll give myself an anxiety attack …..

 

I remember once I asked a cousin of mine “how do you do it?” She is the most vibrant and confident people I know. She doesn’t care about fitting in, unlike myself. I really wish I knew how to get rid of these feelings of being lost and fearful of everything. As a result of this fear I’ve become really lazy, I just want to get back from work and bury myself in my bed and listen to music and read a book. I don’t even have the energy or interest in communicating with people on social networks. Is there something wrong with me ?

Confusion

Life is just something else though….I say I want a guy that’s this way and this height and this race…then life hands me exactly what I want but its wrapped in the wrong package…now it’s up to me to just accept the present and say thank you or turn it away and wait for the right colored wrapping paper. What to do…what not to do…

Outcast

Imagine being born to black parents yet nothing about you is black except maybe your skin colour and your hair. Yes that’s me, born into a black family but was always surrounded by coloured and white friends, I was never called a coconut or anything like that because everyone always assumed that I was mixed race (coloured). I spoke coloured, thought coloured, acted coloured, even smelled coloured! I think I even got a bit confused at some point in my life and now, at almost 21 years of age, I can’t for the life of me fit in with the people I share nothing but skin colour and a surname with. I even want to marry a white man and everyone thinks that I’m crazy but I can’t even imagine spending the rest of my life not speaking English , therefore if it isn’t a white man then may it be a coloured man or a non South African black man.

Am I crazy ?

Fade

I just literally go into my room and pretend that I’m not in the same house that’s filled with so many memories, I sit in my room and just zone out, pretend I’m in another house or in another place with other people busy laughing and smiling and having fun. It may be unhealthy the fact that I don’t even feel like eating anymore I just wish they could leave me alone like they can pretend like I’m not there just like I’m pretending they aren’t here. I wish I could just get away, like wake up one day with a hell of a lot money, a plane ticket to anywhere else but here. A place like Paris or New Zealand or a small town in Holland …anywhere else but here or this country. I have had enough of it all, there are so many barriers in this country, I just can’t anymore! ….

Saddest part is that there’s nobody that can help me. …bummer….