I want to be somebody special…

It’s been a while now that I’ve wanted to be a blogger. An avid blogger at that, as in everyday I write something, but I’ve been plagued with the realisation that I really don’t have anything to write about on a daily basis. I’m just a 25year old girl who spends her day shutting everyone out. I’m constantly just indoors in the little “house ” I share with my husband and all I ever want to do, day in and day out is SLEEP!!!! I then sit and thinK “who cares about all of that? “ ….yet I still have a burning desire to become someone or something special. I want nothing more then to touch lives but I swear the way I’m so lazy I probably won’t ever get round to achieving anything. ….and trust me that is sad because I know I have SOOOO MUCH TO OFFER and yet I stand in my own way!

up in smoke

would you believe me if i said ive tried?….

trust me i have tried quitting but how hard have i tried? shouldnt i have already quit already? i dont understand why i cant stop because smoking has taken over my life, i dont even want to meet people outside of home because i wouldnt be able to smoke, i hate smoking in public. im always telling myself “why do it if youre embarrassed about it?” ¬†yet here i am still, going on my 11th year….how stupid can one be?

i stay away sometimes but than ask myself “for what?”….could i be sick? like mentally? oh i dont know …i dont even know if i want to quit anymore….

I cook

About two years ago I was watching a talk show, not sure which one, and they were cooking on the show and I remember thinking “I’d love to learn how to make such beautiful food”. I started noticing that whenever I was upset I found solace in either cleaning the kitchen or cooking up something simple but mouth watering and again I thought to myself “I would really love to learn how to cook”.

Two years later here I am, a trainee chef at a beautiful Inn ! Its truly incredible how we speak our lives into existence. I never thought I was serious. I just thought I’d get some recepes off the internet and master them at home:)

For the first time in my life though I can truly say that I am happy, absolutely happy with what I’m doing. The hours are insane, but after I’ve battled to get up at 4 in the morning after only sleeping for 3hours, I get excited to be in the kitchen. To hear onions sizzling in hot water or to smell muffins baking in the oven. These moments have become my life. I, the restless soul, have found my passion….have you?

fear

I’m one of those people that have so many ideas but can never even get started on one because I am just so scared of everything. I can’t even walk less then a kilometer to the shop without panicking about how many people are going to try and talk to me. I swear one day I’ll give myself an anxiety attack …..

 

I remember once I asked a cousin of mine “how do you do it?” She is the most vibrant and confident people I know. She doesn’t care about fitting in, unlike myself. I really wish I knew how to get rid of these feelings of being lost and fearful of everything. As a result of this fear I’ve become really lazy, I just want to get back from work and bury myself in my bed and listen to music and read a book. I don’t even have the energy or interest in communicating with people on social networks. Is there something wrong with me ?

Confusion

Life is just something else though….I say I want a guy that’s this way and this height and this race…then life hands me exactly what I want but its wrapped in the wrong package…now it’s up to me to just accept the present and say thank you or turn it away and wait for the right colored wrapping paper. What to do…what not to do…

Outcast

Imagine being born to black parents yet nothing about you is black except maybe your skin colour and your hair. Yes that’s me, born into a black family but was always surrounded by coloured and white friends, I was never called a coconut or anything like that because everyone always assumed that I was mixed race (coloured). I spoke coloured, thought coloured, acted coloured, even smelled coloured! I think I even got a bit confused at some point in my life and now, at almost 21 years of age, I can’t for the life of me fit in with the people I share nothing but skin colour and a surname with. I even want to marry a white man and everyone thinks that I’m crazy but I can’t even imagine spending the rest of my life not speaking English , therefore if it isn’t a white man then may it be a coloured man or a non South African black man.

Am I crazy ?

Fade

I just literally go into my room and pretend that I’m not in the same house that’s filled with so many memories, I sit in my room and just zone out, pretend I’m in another house or in another place with other people busy laughing and smiling and having fun. It may be unhealthy the fact that I don’t even feel like eating anymore I just wish they could leave me alone like they can pretend like I’m not there just like I’m pretending they aren’t here. I wish I could just get away, like wake up one day with a hell of a lot money, a plane ticket to anywhere else but here. A place like Paris or New Zealand or a small town in Holland …anywhere else but here or this country. I have had enough of it all, there are so many barriers in this country, I just can’t anymore! ….

Saddest part is that there’s nobody that can help me. …bummer….